do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
