I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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