i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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