So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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