She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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