paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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