I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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