i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize