now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
