Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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