Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
