I skipped work to stalk him.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The uberlube is also flammable
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
