I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize