i will never coherently bang her
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
