You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
