Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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