We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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