dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You did what with his pubic hair?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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