i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
