Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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