Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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