Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
