I accidentally had phone sex last night
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
