i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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