She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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