My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
