Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
