the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
