you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
