Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize