Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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