i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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