You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
