she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
