as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize