I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
