apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have already put on my inside pants.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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