I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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