Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
