he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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