Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You smell like stripper and shame
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
