upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
