you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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