I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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