your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
