why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
