I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
