I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
