I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
