he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
