seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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