you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
