i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
