I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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