you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
