Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
