: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
