she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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