We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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