I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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